Values and reasons for living

At the heart of PROSPER is a collaborative relationship between the person experiencing pain and the helper. The person is the expert in their own situation. We are not there to fix them. We are there to help them identify and build coping skills they can use themselves.

That starts with a conversation about what matters to them. Keep the focus on their values, not our assumptions or what we think should matter. Avoid asking, “Will you do this for me?” And don’t assume family is a reason for living. Family relationships may also be part of what is causing pain.

You might ask, “What’s the most important thing to you in life right now?” “How are these challenges keeping you from doing or being that?” Or, “If these issues weren’t weighing on you, what would you focus on?” People experiencing suicidal thoughts may have difficulty identifying reasons for living on their own. Thoughtful questions can help them connect with what matters to them. Listen for those openings. If needed, briefly explore their reasons for dying so you can understand their perspective, without going into excessive detail.

Someone might describe work that feels terrible or relationships that are struggling. You could reflect, “It sounds like relationships have been important to you. Is that still true?” If they say, “It used to be,” you might ask, “If that could improve or feel positive again, is that something you’d want?”

Suicidal thoughts can involve ambivalence. A person may feel overwhelmed by pain and want it to stop, while another part of them still wants to live. If the person has said that part of them wants to live, you might say, “Just a couple of minutes ago, you mentioned that there’s still a part of you that wants to live. Tell me about that.”

You could also ask, “If we were able to take away your pain, what would you want to do?” or, “What is it that is keeping you here?” When the person shares something that matters to them, reflect it back: “It sounds like that is a reason for living.” Use their own words and stay curious about their experience. The aim is to help them recognize and connect with their own reasons for living.